Fearing Mediocrity

There is a restlessness that comes with always wanting more. Not more success or admiration, but more feeling. More moments that leave me breathless, more experiences that shake me awake. It is not that I do not notice the ordinary, I do. But the ordinary does not set my soul on fire. It does not make my heart race. And that is what I need. I crave it like oxygen.

Settling for the ordinary feels like surrender. Like accepting that life is meant to be lived on autopilot, coasting through days without any real highs or lows. I cannot do that. I do not know how to. The idea of waking up every morning to a life that feels safe but empty terrifies me more than any risk ever could. I need to feel something, everything, with intensity. I need moments that hit so hard they leave me reeling. I chase those feelings relentlessly, and I do not know how to stop.

Because mediocrity is my greatest fear. Not failure, not heartbreak but, mediocrity. A life that is comfortable but uninspired. A love that is steady but lacks fire. A future that is secure but forgettable. I would rather burn, rather crash, rather break, than exist in a space where nothing moves me. Where nothing consumes me whole.

Feeling everything so deeply is not a choice. It is lying in bed at night with my mind tangled in a thousand thoughts that refuse to quiet down. It is the ache in my chest when a moment is so beautiful it almost hurts. It is the restless energy that never lets me settle, because I know there is always more out there to feel, to experience, to live. It is like chasing a high that never lasts long enough. The moment fades, and I am already searching for the next one. I crave that rush, that spark, that surge of dopamine when something feels so raw and real that it consumes me.I do not just want to feel, I want to feel deeply, painfully, beautifully. Because anything less feels like wasting time.